OFFERING –TELEHEALTH SESSIONS- SEATTLE, WA-   Secure, Convenient Online Therapy Sessions- CALL 206-696-8111

Logo for Reason to Hope, offering telehealth therapy for trauma, EMDR, anxiety, and maternal mental health for women in Washington”

When You’re Tired of Carrying Everything: How to Stop Overfunctioning

Wooden bench overlooking a peaceful lake, representing rest and letting go of excessive responsibility.

The Moment Your Body Tells the Truth

High-Functioning Anxiety Series – Part 3

You sit down at the end of the day — finally — and your body immediately gives you the report it’s been holding.

Your jaw aches.
Your shoulders feel like they’ve been carrying invisible bags of groceries.
Your breath is shallow, almost held.
Your mind is still moving, even though your body has technically stopped.

You try to relax, but instead you feel that familiar mix of exhaustion and restlessness.
Like your body wants to melt into the couch, but your brain is still sprinting laps.

You think:
I can’t keep doing this.

And then, almost instantly, another thought slips in:
But I don’t know how to stop.

And underneath that, a quieter one — the one most women don’t say out loud:
If I stop, what falls apart?

A Moment Many Women Know Too Well

A woman I spoke with recently described it perfectly.

She said she walked into her bedroom at the end of the night, set her phone on the dresser, and suddenly realized she was holding her breath.

Not metaphorically — literally holding it.

She told me:
“I didn’t even notice until my chest hurt. I exhaled and it felt like I’d been underwater.”

Then she laughed in that tired way women do when something is both funny and not funny at all.

Her body had been bracing all day.
Her mind had been bracing all week.
And the moment she stopped moving, everything she’d been holding finally caught up to her.

This is where so many women begin — not with a dramatic breakdown, but with a quiet, physical truth:
Your body is tired of carrying everything.

Stopping Overfunctioning Isn’t About Willpower

Stopping overfunctioning isn’t about willpower.
It’s about nervous system safety.

For many women, overfunctioning started as something that made sense.

Maybe you were the responsible one.
The helper.
The one who figured things out when no one else did.

Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that being capable felt safer than having needs.

For many women, high-functioning anxiety hides inside competence.

Everyone sees how much you’re accomplishing.
Very few people see how much it costs you.

The constant mental checklist.
The planning.
The anticipating.
The feeling that if you don’t stay on top of everything, something important might get missed.

And after years of carrying so much, slowing down can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

Not because you’re doing something wrong.
But because you’re doing something different.

And it starts much smaller than most women expect.

1. Start With the 10% Rule

Most women try to go from “doing everything” to “doing nothing,” and their nervous system panics.

The 10% Rule is different.

It asks you to reduce effort by just 10% — not enough to trigger guilt or fear, but enough to create a new experience.

A woman I worked with — I’ll call her Dana — tried this with her morning routine.

Instead of packing the “perfect” lunches, she packed the “fine” lunches.

She told me:
“My kids didn’t even notice. I was the only one who cared.”

That’s the thing about overfunctioning:
Most of the pressure comes from inside, not outside.

Try:
Pick one task today and reduce your effort by 10%.
Let it be imperfect.
Let it be enough.

2. Pause Before You Jump In

Women who overfunction often jump in before they even realize they’re doing it.

A woman once said:
“I fix things before I know if anyone actually needs me to.”

So here’s the practice:
Pause for three breaths.
That’s it.

Before you answer.
Before you help.
Before you take over.
Before you rescue.

Three breaths creates just enough space for choice.

A woman told me she tried this with her teenager.

He was struggling with a school project, and she felt the familiar urge to swoop in.

Instead, she paused.

“He figured it out,” she said.
“And I didn’t have to rewrite his entire assignment at 10 p.m.”

Try:
The next time someone hesitates, forgets, or struggles, take three breaths before responding.
You may be surprised by what happens when you wait.

3. Let One Ball Drop (On Purpose)

This one is uncomfortable — and powerful.

Let one small, low-stakes ball drop.

Don’t answer the text right away.
Don’t fix the dishwasher someone else loaded “wrong.”
Don’t remind your partner about the appointment.

A woman told me:
“I let my partner handle the dentist appointment. It wasn’t done perfectly. And the world didn’t end.”

This is how your body learns that you don’t have to hold everything.

One of the hardest parts of overfunctioning is that it often feels responsible.
Caring.
Helpful.

Which means the problem isn’t always obvious.

You don’t feel like you’re carrying too much.
You feel like you’re being a good partner.
A good mom.
A good employee.
A good friend.

Until one day you realize you’re exhausted.

Try:
Choose one thing this week to not do.
Let someone else step in — or let it be imperfect.

What makes this so difficult isn’t usually the task itself.
It’s the feeling underneath it.

The worry that something important will get missed.
The fear of disappointing someone.
The quiet belief that it’s somehow all your responsibility.

Which is why healing from overfunctioning isn’t just about doing less.
It’s about learning that your worth isn’t measured by how much you carry.
Or how useful you are.
Or how much everyone else depends on you.

That’s a lesson many women spend years trying to learn.

4. Share 5% More Than You Usually Do

High-functioning women often carry everything alone.

Not because they want to — but because they’ve learned it’s easier than asking for help, risking disappointment, or feeling vulnerable.

So start small.
Share 5% more honesty with someone safe.

A woman once told her partner:
“I’m overwhelmed today,”
instead of pretending she was fine.

She said it felt like:
“opening a window in a stuffy room.”

Another woman told me she tried this with a friend.

She said:
“I’m tired,”
instead of:
“I’m good!”

Her friend replied:
“Me too.”

And suddenly she didn’t feel so alone.

Try:
Share one small truth today.
Just 5%.
Let connection soften the load.

5. Practice “Good Enough” Once a Day

Perfectionism is one of overfunctioning’s closest friends.

So choose one task a day to do at good enough instead of perfect.

A woman told me she tried this with her kids’ laundry.

“They survived,” she laughed.
“And I had ten extra minutes to breathe.”

Another woman tried it with dinner.

She made frozen pizza instead of a full meal.

Her family ate it happily.
She sat down for the first time that day.

Good enough is not failure.
It’s freedom.

Try:
Pick one task today to do at 70% effort.
Notice the relief that follows.

6. Ask Yourself: “What Do I Need Right Now?”

Women who overfunction are excellent at knowing what others need.
Much less practiced at knowing what they need.

Not because they don’t have needs.
But because they’ve become so accustomed to scanning for everyone else’s.

After a while, your own needs become background noise.

So ask yourself once a day:
What do I need right now?

A breath?
A break?
A boundary?
A snack?
A moment alone?

A woman once told me:
“I didn’t know I was allowed to ask myself that.”

Another said:
“I realized I hadn’t asked myself that question in years.”

Try:
Ask the question.
Honor the answer in a small way.

7. Expect Discomfort — It Doesn’t Mean You’re Doing It Wrong

When you stop overfunctioning, relief isn’t always the first thing that shows up.

Sometimes it’s guilt.
Sometimes it’s anxiety.
Sometimes it’s the strange feeling that you’re forgetting something important simply because you’re resting.

You may find yourself wondering:
Am I being selfish?

You may feel uncomfortable watching someone struggle with something you could easily fix.
You may notice an urge to jump back in and take over.

That doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice.
It means your nervous system is adjusting to a new way of being.

For years, staying busy may have felt like safety.
Of course slowing down feels unfamiliar.

The goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort.
The goal is to learn that discomfort doesn’t automatically mean danger.

8. What Change Can Look Like

A woman I worked with — I’ll call her Marisol — started with the 10% Rule.

At first, she hated it.
Not because it was difficult.
Because it felt wrong.

Every time she left something unfinished, her mind immediately told her she was being lazy.
She worried people would think she didn’t care.
She worried things would fall apart.

Most of the time, neither happened.

But what surprised her most wasn’t what changed around her.
It was what changed inside her.

She began noticing how often she felt responsible for everyone’s comfort.
Everyone’s emotions.
Everyone’s needs.

Little by little, she started putting some of that responsibility down.
Not perfectly.
Not all at once.
But enough to notice that she could finally breathe a little easier.

And for the first time in a long time, she wasn’t ending every day feeling like she was carrying the weight of everyone else’s world.

Therapy Helps You Go Deeper (But You Don’t Have to Wait to Start)

Therapy isn’t about making you less capable or less caring.
It’s about helping you:

  • Understand the patterns fueling anxiety

  • Build emotional flexibility

  • Reduce chronic self-pressure

  • Strengthen self-compassion

  • Reconnect with rest and regulation

Healing often looks less like becoming a new person and more like finally having space inside the life you’ve already built.

Space to sit down without mentally rehearsing tomorrow before today has even ended.
Space to exist without constantly bracing for the next thing.

A Final Thought

The women I work with rarely come to therapy because they’re incapable.
They come because they’re exhausted.

They’ve spent years being strong, dependable, thoughtful, and responsible.
Many of them don’t even realize how much they’re carrying until their body starts keeping score.

The tension headaches.
The racing mind.
The exhaustion that sleep doesn’t quite fix.

What they’re longing for isn’t to become a different person.
It’s to stop feeling like they have to carry the entire world by themselves.

And that’s a very different kind of healing.

Stopping overfunctioning isn’t about doing less for the sake of doing less.
It’s about creating a life where you don’t have to live in constant bracing.
Where rest doesn’t feel dangerous.
Where you don’t have to earn your own softness.
Where you get to be a person, not a machine.

A life where you can finally exhale — fully, deeply, without fear.

High-Functioning Anxiety & Overfunctioning Series

If you’re just joining the series, start here:

Until We Meet Again

Until we meet again — breathe gently, walk slowly, and treat yourself with kindness.

— Iris

If you’re considering therapy and would like to learn more about working together, you’re welcome to reach out.

Get in Touch

 

About the Author

I’m Iris Hogan-Schmidt, LICSW, a Seattle-based therapist. I support women navigating anxiety, trauma, maternal mental health challenges, and life transitions through a trauma-informed, collaborative approach. My work draws on EMDR, mindfulness, self-compassion, and values-based therapies, tailored to each client’s needs.

</div>

A Note About the Examples in This Article

To protect confidentiality, any client stories or examples shared here are composites inspired by common experiences rather than descriptions of any specific individual. Details have been changed to preserve privacy while illustrating themes that may resonate with readers.